SATURDAY, AUGUST 29, 2009
Remember back in the day when you used to be excited to watch a terrible movie from the local fantastically droll video store? The kind where Jason, Freddy, Leatherface or some other slasher keeps catching people at their worst. The type where women get naked only to fullfill some sort of cosmic carnal ban on the presence of living whores in the horror movie reality? Do you remember how after you watched those movies you felt a little bit creeped, but mostly like a pair of blue balls had somehow replaced your perfectly healthy adolescent man spheres, and it’s 3am and you can’t help but wonder why you watched something so shitastic that its quite possibly not drymouth from your sugar/caffeine jolt fueled binge but more than likely that the input of sensory overload has somehow managed to regurgitate the slightly fermented hang of garbage water from the sewage dump of the horror genre into your mouth?
That’s about what i felt like after i watched the slasherless slasher flick, The Final Destination… only though there was a topless scene and lots of killing… there was no proverbial errection to show for it. What is a basically radtastic premise and a cool mechanism for showing how death always gets his man, has turned into a terrible romp through badscipt ville with bad actors giving the tour. I’m honestly not sure why they made this movie. Clearly it was made to show off some 3D effects and jump on the bandwagon of every new kids movie to hit the market, plus Miley Cyrus and lets not forget the Jonas Brothers. But why did they make this film? It barely can even be called a film? It is barely 80 minutes long, a fact which i ironically hold in its favor. There is something to be said for the Hey day of John Carpenter and Wes Craven. This was a time where the execution of the film(pun intended) was a reflection of the budget, but a movie got made because behind it was a sense of vision. The director had a relationship with his characters which demanded a story, demanded a victim. Its not pretty, but at least its value is undeniable as these tales become cult classic legends of cinema in their own right. The only thing that “the Final Destination” does is demand a refund. It is predictable and bland, and not scary, not funny, not entertaining, not thoughtout, not relevant, and not worth seeing. I can’t do this movie review anymore… there is simply nothing to say about the film… it is vapid, like the breath of a dying cow in a fucking butcher shop… how that cow got into the butcher shop without being dead already… i don’t know, but i wish i didn’t have to guess… especially considering Rob Zombie could tell me straight up exactly how to feel, and deliver an authentic slasher experience if i only walked a few theatres down… waste.